Overcoming my American dream

Perhaps it is a good time to write about my dreams in lieu of the upcoming holiday. A time to reflect on someone who had a dream that was greater than himself, a dream that would help to shape and change an entire nation. It was not my intention to write about this particular person, although he deserves much remembrance and honor for his part in changing and impacting mankind.

I am writing this more as a confession. A time to own up to the fact that my own personal dreams being failures. The fact that I have been viewing myself and my life through the world's eyes. And all I have to show for it is failure. Discouragement. Embarassment. Discontenment. Pride. Selfishness. Struggle.

The American dream to own a home, make money, raise your family better than you were raised, give them more, to be thinner and have no stretchmarks. To have a career. I have wanted this. My heart has yearned for these things, and yet I have not succeeded. I have pursued and wished for and wanted this American dream. And in all my hopes, efforts, and wishes I have failed at this American dream. I have seen myself fail.

It is a struggle to give up on the thing that you so greatly desire. But perhaps it is necessary in hopes of gaining something greater. I want to be content. I want to be selfless. I want to not desire these things so greatly. I want instead to appeal for the applause of heaven. To not be measured by my own worldly standard, but to view myself in God's vision. To have confidence that he is proud of me just now. Without changing. Without keeping a cleaner home. Without being successful in the workplace. Without more money. Without a home of my own. With all my stretchmarks and extra rolls of fat. Me, just as I am. And I know He is pleased with me but I am not pleased with me. I want to give up on my own American dream to re-embrace a dream of hope and of unconditional love. And this doesn't come easily. But I deeply desire to embrace His love and to be completely fulfilled by the hope I have in Him. And I want to give up my attitude of failure in this world. I want to forgive myself. I want to move on. There is no saying that these things won't ever happen for me. Some of them will. Some may not. But what I want to overcome is my attitude. I want to live wanting nothing else than to be near Him, to feel His presence in my life, and to believe that He is looking down on me with complete adoration. I believe that this is the God I serve. I believe, help me with my unbelief, my cynicism, my realism.

I have a dream.

My new hobby

I have found a new love in life. I guess everyone has their hobbies, some people scrapbook, bake, knit, sew, decorate, etc. I have little to no interest in these types of hobbies. Maybe it's because I don't have time for them. Who knows? But one thing I have grown to have a deep appreciation for is running. I like to run. I don't know what it is about it. I like the challenge. I like the struggle between my mind and body that happens every single time I head out the door. I like overcoming something that was hard for me in the past and I like meeting new goals. I am not fast but I wouldn't say that I'm unbearably slow either. I just like the challenge of it, the struggle, and the victory. I count every time I get out the door and go as a victory. Sometimes I still walk because I don't have it in me to keep running, but even that is victory because it's better than staying at home doing nothing. I love the satisfaction of coming back from a run and being done for the day.

I ran my first 10K recently. I am proud of myself. I wasn't fast, but I pressed on and kept running. And I crossed the finish line and it felt good.

Some things I have learned about running from this past race:

1. Use the facilities before the race starts
2. Don't slack off on your training
3. Get a babysitter so you don't have to push the kids in the stroller
4. Keep it light and keep it fun, sing a song while you run

Autumn colors

One of fall's redeeming qualities.

A Raspberry

The other day I took my son and daughter to the farmer's market for fun and to buy some fresh produce. It was so fun for them to buy carrots and onions with the stem still attached. And I just feel so healthy by walking through the rows and rows of God's beautiful creation all made for our pleasure and nourishment. My son has a fancy for eating fresh berries - pretty much any berry there is out there he loves to eat. We were looking for blackberries, but bought some raspberries by default which turned out to be an excellent mistake. He reached out and pretty much man-handled the entire pint of berries with his hands, so I had to buy them. I have never been so happy with an accidental purchase. Those raspberries took me back in time the moment I sank my teeth into them. There is something about the sweet tanginess of a raspberry that took me back to my grandparents house on the farm. My Grandpa used to eat a bowl of fresh raspberries with sugar on it. My grandma had many different kinds of fresh berries that she grew at her house and my cousins and I spent many a summer day consuming all of her precious potential jam. I love tastes and smells like this that just take you back to wonderful memories. And I love how they escape your mind until you taste or smell that thing that takes you back to such a distinct memory. The brain is such an interesting thing with all of its nooks and crannies of memories and they pop up at just the right moment. I am so intrigued by our design and what a great Maker we have.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

Our sweet River is one year old today! She is such a joy. River, you bring life to where you are with your cute toothy grins, your waves of greeting, your roly poly legs, the sound of your little voice and your sweet sweet personality. We love you so much and it has been such a privilege to watch you grow.

4 years old

Happy Birthday Liam! I love you!

Show me the money

Do you ever feel like you just keep getting older, yet you never grow up. I have felt this way financially for a long time now. I don't mean to boast or anything, but I do think that we have been blessed with the gift of living simply and being thrifty. I don't think we do half bad living off of a youth minister's salary. I would dare to say that not many people could live the way we do. It's always tight, yet we have still been able to maintain a high quality of life. I often feel blessed and like we are living the good life. But in a lot of ways, even though we have done alright for the past 7 years of marriage, it hasn't really been until the past 3 months that I feel like we have made the choice to grow up financially. We have been sort-of following a budget the past 2 years of pay off our debt and living by the concept of don't spend more than you have. But the past 3 months we have really started to grow up and stick to a strict budget. The best part about this budget is that it is amazing how much money you can find when you know where it is all going. I am amazed that we went on vacation last month and paid cash for everything. Dave Ramsey (our financial guy) says that the best vacation is the one that doesn't follow you home. And now having experienced this myself, I would have to agree. In the past, Visa would have picked up the slack for us on a vacation and we would have spent several months paying it back off. It is nice to know that we had such a great time and we came home and we know there's still money left to eat for the rest of the month. So I am not here to just brag about it, but it feels pretty darn good for us to feel like we know where we are spending our money and knowing that we have extra money set aside to pay for things when they come up, etc. The other thing about a budget is that I have been very hesitant to really live by a budget because I am a free-spirited person and a rule-breaker. I do not like feeling restrained or limited or restricted by anything. I was so apprehensive to actually commit to this because I thought it would take my freedom away. The good news is that since having a budget, Jeb and I both feel even more free to do what we want because there is actually money to do it with. If we want to take a trip, we save for it and do it. If we want to go on a date and go to the movies, we have money set aside to do it. If an emergency comes up, we have money set aside to take care of the problem. So for the first time in a long time I really do feel a lot of peace about this area of my life and I feel more free than I have in such a long time. It isn't always easy, but it sure is worth it!