Balance

Life comes in spurts. There are periods of being busy. Times when you feel like you can barely breathe because of the speed at which life is coming at you. Months where you look at the calendar and every weekend between May and September has a name to it.

And then there are moments and time of monotony. When you wonder what you are going to do for the rest of the day or tomorrow. A time when you feel as though you haven't done a whole lot of meaningful things and you need to make some goals so that each day has purpose.

I am happiest when I am balanced. A balance of time that is purposeful and planned out so that I know that I am doing things for other people and enough time where there is nothing planned so that I can stay at home with the kids and paint pictures or read books or drop everything and go to the lake for the day. Balance is good.

I have recently realized that I have over-committed myself. I have missed a lot of important things the past month. But the reason why I missed out on these things was because I was too busy. I needed less in my life and I couldn't be Supermom and make it to everything so something had to give. I hate this part of humanity, because in my heart all these little things are very important to me and I want to be there for everyone, but I am reminded once again that I am just one person. And on top of that I am one person that is the caretaker of 2 other little people and the manager of the family schedule in many ways. It's hard to keep 4 people's schedule straight sometimes.

So after having experienced this, I have come to the realization again that I am human, not Supermom, and I am only one person and I can only be in one place at a time. And I need to slow down. I need some more nothing so that I can be prepared for a time of purpose. So I recently said no to something even though I wanted to do it. It was hard for me to not commit to it. I am ashamed in some ways because I know I could have pushed through and accomplished that one other thing, but at the same time, if I say yes, that means I'm saying no to something else. So I have to say no. And it's ok. And I will be glad later. And my life will have even more balance and more purpose. And I can be an even better Supermom by keeping my life and the lives of my 2 kids in order and balance. This is a difficult and important lesson for me to learn, but at least I am starting to learn instead of making the same mistake over and over.

Here is to learning the art of balance in life.

Yesterday it was warm all day. The windows in our apartment were propped open all day and the warm sunshine shone through followed by a cool breeze. Liam told me the other day, "Mom, the sun is like a big magic heater." Indeed it is. Somehow God put it in the sky and it gives us warmth, light, and pleasure. So we pulled on our tennis shoes and ran to the store. It was invigorating. Lovely. Refreshing. Filling our lungs with air, warming our bodies, sweat pouring down...this makes me feel very alive. As we ran back, the air changed. The gray clouds had moved in overhead and moisture was in the air. But it was still warm. The rain was moving in, on the verge of arriving. We made it home in time to escape the rain, but it to was a beautiful thing to experience. A warm afternoon changing to a warm light rain. Beauty is all around us. The sensation and the experience of a change in weather is mysterious and beautiful. I am thankful for the sun and the rain. Thank you God for your mysterious wonders that I can see, feel, hear, and smell.

Here I go again...

Today began like any other day. Wake up to the sound of little people. Little people wanting their food. "Mhoat meo" (oatmeal), repeated over and over again. "I want my food," I hear. "I want the 'sticks' cereal." I don't know why a 4 year old kid would ever WANT to eat All-bran for breakfast, but that is his request today. "Are you sure?" I ask just to make sure and I am not a big fan of wasting food. Especially now that we are sticking to a strict Dave Ramsey budget. Yes he's sure and he's been warned that he doesn't get anything else until he eats it. I make my coffee while getting breakfast ready and pour my own bowl of cereal. This is how I start my day. Every day. And then after we all eat breakfast I pour myself several cups of coffee and stare at my kids while they play or beg me to let them watch cartoons. I always tell them, "no, it's too early." I don't like the TV on this early in the morning. In fact, I don't know why I have such an aversion to technology, but the Lord has given me a strong dislike for all technology in general for kids. I feel like a purist because I want my kids to imagine, to dream, to pretend, to create with their own brains. I don't want technology numbing them to what their own minds are capable of. I hope I don't mess them up in the midst of all my tech "NO" philosophy on parenting. So there I am staring at my kids playing, staring at the trees out my window, thinking about what I have to do today, this week. And I ponder what the point of it all is. Surely there has got to be some special reason why I get out of bed every day to this and go through it all over and over again. Every day. And so that is why I am here writing this right now. Because I do believe there is more than just my routine to life. Sometimes it is hard to see beyond the here and now of what the point of it all is, but I know there is one. And so I write this today because I am changing the forum of this blog. I used to just use it as a means to share pictures and to moan and whine if I was feeling bad about something. But no more. Be gone with the venting. Here I come to share why I get out of bed every day. Surely something will stick out every day that gives a day purpose. Even if the only purpose was to get out of bed and drink my coffee. Let's be honest. Some days are like that. But I believe that if you start looking for what is significant in life, you will see it. I know God has a purpose for me. And I think it is bigger than my small imagination can wrap my brain around, but I am ready to look for it. I believe it comes in seemingly insignificant normal forms and we either embrace it or it passes by us. So here's to looking and watching.

Going Public

I know that education can be a very personal decision. Often people have many different opinions about where to educate their children...what to teach them or what not to teach them. Things get personal quickly when you consider all the things that are out there for one to be able to learn. Our decision about where to educate our son has not come easily. I grew up in a small public school where test scores were high and the classroom size was always less than 20 students in any given class. It was a pretty ideal setting and the community was very involved. My last three years of Highschool were spent at home. My husband attended public school the majority of his life and spent his last few years of Highschool in a private education setting. Perhaps if money weren't an issue I would be sending my son to a private Christian school where he would learn mostly all of the things that we value as a people. But, as I have been thinking and reflecting lately about my walk of faith and the things I value and believe, I have come to the conclusion that we are to be in the world and not of the world. I value being a part of a community. In a lot of ways, I think I have done such a good job being a part of our community of faith that I have failed to be a part of our community at large. So as I think about education, I think it is wonderful and beautiful that we as a country provide education to so many. I think it's fabulous that we have freedoms to choose if we want to participate in a public education, a private education, or an education at home. This is unique that there are so many freedoms that we can choose even as far as an education goes. And concerning a public education, I am so glad that all the little kids who live in our low-income housing, will also be able to participate in an education. In any other day and age, perhaps our family, and other families at our socioeconomic level, would not be so privileged to be able to receive an education. If it were left up to each family to provide an education, I know that those same families that live near us would not educate their children and just think of where our country would be then? So as I reflect on our freedoms and our privileges of living in this country where education is provided to everyone regardless of income or race or gender, we as a family have made the choice to go public. And I make that choice with peace of mind and spirit. I look forward to our son participating with other children in our community on the great adventure of learning. I look forward to participating with him. And I hope that I will get to know our community at large a bit better in the process.

Unplugged

I think I am on technology overload. I tend to be a little bit Walden Pondish...not that I really want to go live in a cabin on a lake and eat plants from the forest, but I don't like technology. I am strongly opposed to video games, tv, etc. But at the same time I always get sucked into it and find these things consuming much of my precious time not to mention adding to my lack of movement. They are not evil things in and of themselves and they can be used for good, but so often I just overindulge and find myself wishing for less of them. I may be feeling this way because of the bad habits I have been forming lately. Not only have I been immersing myself in facebook, but I'll have the internet and laptop going while I watch TV any time in the evening after my kids go to bed. I get caught up on random internet searches or little facebook games and before you know it I have wasted so much time. Tonight I turned the TV off just to listen to..well nothing since I am the only one up still. And it feels nice. I feel a certain sense of peace and calm having removed the noises and all the entertainment. Here's to unplugging a little more often.

Overcoming my American dream

Perhaps it is a good time to write about my dreams in lieu of the upcoming holiday. A time to reflect on someone who had a dream that was greater than himself, a dream that would help to shape and change an entire nation. It was not my intention to write about this particular person, although he deserves much remembrance and honor for his part in changing and impacting mankind.

I am writing this more as a confession. A time to own up to the fact that my own personal dreams being failures. The fact that I have been viewing myself and my life through the world's eyes. And all I have to show for it is failure. Discouragement. Embarassment. Discontenment. Pride. Selfishness. Struggle.

The American dream to own a home, make money, raise your family better than you were raised, give them more, to be thinner and have no stretchmarks. To have a career. I have wanted this. My heart has yearned for these things, and yet I have not succeeded. I have pursued and wished for and wanted this American dream. And in all my hopes, efforts, and wishes I have failed at this American dream. I have seen myself fail.

It is a struggle to give up on the thing that you so greatly desire. But perhaps it is necessary in hopes of gaining something greater. I want to be content. I want to be selfless. I want to not desire these things so greatly. I want instead to appeal for the applause of heaven. To not be measured by my own worldly standard, but to view myself in God's vision. To have confidence that he is proud of me just now. Without changing. Without keeping a cleaner home. Without being successful in the workplace. Without more money. Without a home of my own. With all my stretchmarks and extra rolls of fat. Me, just as I am. And I know He is pleased with me but I am not pleased with me. I want to give up on my own American dream to re-embrace a dream of hope and of unconditional love. And this doesn't come easily. But I deeply desire to embrace His love and to be completely fulfilled by the hope I have in Him. And I want to give up my attitude of failure in this world. I want to forgive myself. I want to move on. There is no saying that these things won't ever happen for me. Some of them will. Some may not. But what I want to overcome is my attitude. I want to live wanting nothing else than to be near Him, to feel His presence in my life, and to believe that He is looking down on me with complete adoration. I believe that this is the God I serve. I believe, help me with my unbelief, my cynicism, my realism.

I have a dream.