Perhaps it is a good time to write about my dreams in lieu of the upcoming holiday. A time to reflect on someone who had a dream that was greater than himself, a dream that would help to shape and change an entire nation. It was not my intention to write about this particular person, although he deserves much remembrance and honor for his part in changing and impacting mankind.
I am writing this more as a confession. A time to own up to the fact that my own personal dreams being failures. The fact that I have been viewing myself and my life through the world's eyes. And all I have to show for it is failure. Discouragement. Embarassment. Discontenment. Pride. Selfishness. Struggle.
The American dream to own a home, make money, raise your family better than you were raised, give them more, to be thinner and have no stretchmarks. To have a career. I have wanted this. My heart has yearned for these things, and yet I have not succeeded. I have pursued and wished for and wanted this American dream. And in all my hopes, efforts, and wishes I have failed at this American dream. I have seen myself fail.
It is a struggle to give up on the thing that you so greatly desire. But perhaps it is necessary in hopes of gaining something greater. I want to be content. I want to be selfless. I want to not desire these things so greatly. I want instead to appeal for the applause of heaven. To not be measured by my own worldly standard, but to view myself in God's vision. To have confidence that he is proud of me just now. Without changing. Without keeping a cleaner home. Without being successful in the workplace. Without more money. Without a home of my own. With all my stretchmarks and extra rolls of fat. Me, just as I am. And I know He is pleased with me but I am not pleased with me. I want to give up on my own American dream to re-embrace a dream of hope and of unconditional love. And this doesn't come easily. But I deeply desire to embrace His love and to be completely fulfilled by the hope I have in Him. And I want to give up my attitude of failure in this world. I want to forgive myself. I want to move on. There is no saying that these things won't ever happen for me. Some of them will. Some may not. But what I want to overcome is my attitude. I want to live wanting nothing else than to be near Him, to feel His presence in my life, and to believe that He is looking down on me with complete adoration. I believe that this is the God I serve. I believe, help me with my unbelief, my cynicism, my realism.
I have a dream.
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4 comments:
Good post Priscilla.
I agree with Jenny. :)
Great post indeed! I do think a lot of us feel the way you do. We all wish and dream for things that we all fail at. Thankfully, God is so amazing to love us no matter what. ;-)
Ah Pris,
Your wisdom is so great. To see ourselves the way He sees us, wouldn't it be grand? Wouldn't it change our daily lives? Wouldn't it give us a bit more confidence in what He has planned for us, instead of our "dreams" for ourselves...? Thanks for your "confession" and your openness. You bless.
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